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The Perfect Gift
Valentine's Day is about about giving: perfume, flowers, a gift certificate for Bunnings or a day spa exclusive treatment program. Commercial though it surely is, gifts are still a great way to say "I love you", and "I am thinking about you" and it is good for the economy. Though if you are like me, you might resist the commercial side of Valentine's Day and instead opt for random gifts.
But what if there was a perfect gift to give your partner that keeps on giving that doesn't cost money?
Brian and Tracey had been together for 7 years. They had never married and Brian often joked about that saying it was old fashioned and wouldn't make any difference at all. Tracey was less sure about that and quietly wanted the security of marriage and especially in knowing Brain was always going to be there for her and their child. Tracey was all in and Brian, loving enough and caring in his own way, held back a little, sometimes joking he would say things like "I liked to keep my options open" and he might "trade her in on a new model". In moments like that Tracey felt insecure and afraid. She wished Brain would make a strong and lasting commitment to their relationship and tie the knot.
Sue and Clifford had been married for 20 years and had 4 teenage children. Life had become increasingly busy for them and often they felt they were chauffeurs driving their kids every where to everything. They had so little time for each other and when they did connect they were both exhausted and spent most of their time talking about the kids. Over the last several years they both had grown further apart and knew they need to make some changes.
Both couples are in a great position to give each other the perfect gift. Gifts are great, and yes it is nice to give and receive a gift on Valentine's Day, but there is a much greater gift to give and it is the gift of yourself, the gift of your heart. The gift of yourself involves
Yes this requires effort. It can be hard work and pleasurable all at the same time and, it involves taking the risk of putting yourself out there. The gateway to love's deepest places is through heaven's risky gate of vulnerability and vulnerability is what is needed in giving yourself.
It is easier, much easier and safer to give a gift, especially if you know your partner will be delighted with it, and to be honest, this is great, giving gifts can be truly pleasurable for both of you. But is the giving of the gift a way for you to hold back and avoid the ultimate gift of yourself to your partner?
Gifts are great tokens of our love but are never a substitute for our love. They can act as a stepping stone to the expression of love, but the gift itself is not love, it is just a thing given by someone who loves. Real love, involves taking a risk and giving of yourself, and the greatest gift of all is the giving of yourself. If you find this difficult it may imply that there are things that you need to work on in your relationship and within yourself. Maybe you've been hurt in the past and find trusting and giving of yourself difficult, maybe you have been divorced before and you don't want that to happen ever again, or perhaps there are unresolved arguments. Past unresolved issues like this is likely what holds Brian back from making a full commitment with Tracey. Whatever the reason is that holds you back from giving of yourself, know that this lack of giving of yourself will slowly eat away at the quality of your relationship and erode the quality of your friendship.
What if your partner rejects your gift of yourself? What if they demand more? What if they don't mutually offer themselves to you in a reciprocal way? It will hurt, there is no way to sugar coat it. Perhaps they need time and patience to trust and open up and learn to love like that way too. Maybe your relationship was in a dark place and now through giving yourself you can begin to bring healthy changes. Your loving in this way is an invitation for your partner to do the same. This doesn't make you a door mat to be used, maintaining healthy boundaries is still important, yet loving and giving yourself opens the possibility for much greater joy and happiness to be experienced by both of you. However if you are in an abusive (physical, emotional, sexual, financial, spiritual, and so on) or a codependent relationship then it is almost certain that without professional help nothing you do, no greater act of loving action, will change the abusive and unhealthy nature of your relationship.
However, what if they accept your gift? What if the giving of yourself invites your partner to go deeper and trust more and finally give themselves totally to you in reply?
You will experience greater joy and happiness with more personal growth then you both thought possible. You will discover love's promised land that relationship masters have known for some time. This is what we call a flourishing relationship.
So how do you give yourself?
For Brian it is about choosing to be fully committed to Tracey and not keeping a door open in his mind where he can walk away any time he wants. Relationships are amazing one day and frustrating the next, yet they are truly powerful and deeply fulfilling as well. Brain signalling to Tracey that he is there for her, will give her greater security and will lead to her being more willing to open up to him as well. The positive effects of this will impact the entire family for the good.
For Sue and Clifford it is about rediscovering why they got together as a couple. It is about making their relationship the number one priority in their life. Yes this will mean saying no to the kids sometimes so they can say yes to each other. It is about intentionally planning those moments together as their uninterruptible time as a couple. The kids will also benefit by the security of Sue and Cliffords love.
All of this starts with our mindset and the commitments we make.
We give ourselves in our mind and thinking which translates into our actions. Adopting a healthy mindset and allowing yourself to think about your partner and your relationship in positive ways really does make a difference. Our thoughts become our words and actions, which become our habits and interpersonal style and form the foundation of our relationships.
For example, what sort of mindset is required to give yourself in love?
An attitude that is open, willing to connect and trust, that isn't trying always to keep you safe, a mindset that is willing to take risks with low regard for self in loving the other. A mindset predisposed with the intent to see your partner in the best light possible will help you overlook the occasional gremlin in the relationship (doesn't work in abusive and toxic relationships).
You see, if you think "I might get hurt or rejected so I better be careful", then you will hold back from being completely open and transparent and trusting, resulting in a lower quality relationship. In fact your mind will go looking for evidence of where your partner is seeking to hurt you and will interpret your experiences through this unhelpful lens. This kind of mindset then could easily become a self fulfilling prophecy and not necessarily a true reflection of your reality.
We change our mindset by a decision to adopt a positive view of our partner and relationship. We choose to think tenderly and exclusively about our mate. Think of all the things you admire about your partner. Their looks, smile, favourite sayings, habits, cooking, and so on. Make your list as detailed and as personal as possible. If some of the things you think about make you smile and feel more gratitude about your partner then you are on the right track. Frequently add to your list. Think about the qualities you admire in your partner as well: kindness, compassion, strength, competence, sensibility, achievement, witty, playful, flirtatious, sexy, well educated, knowledgable and wise, and so on. This will all feed into a powerful process in your brain that will make you fall in love even more with your partner and help you to be more inclined to think well of them and your relationship.
The more in love you are with your partner, the easier it is to serve and do things for your mate that will bring you both happiness. Bring them their favourite drink because you can, say thank you with a smile, give them a back rub/scratch or a foot or scalp massage, clean their car out, take them on a date, make plans together, go away for the weekend together, and on it goes.
So this Valentine's Day, by all means give your partner a gift as a token of your love and as a sign of a much greater choice you have made, to give yourself in an endless falling in love.
Enjoy!